no one can say
exactly
when it started
except that one day
his eyelids stood still
stopped meeting each
other halfway
his upper lashes
stopped feeling the brush
of lower lashes
his pupils
forever focused
on florescent
street signs
and when they tired
of neon
the yellowed
wallpapers of waiting rooms
and when they craved rest
the shadowed satin
of the eye mask
he wore at night
with his eyes
still open
until they shriveled
with neglect
and their wrinkles
foreshadowed the bags
underneath them
until florescence
of street signs
yellow of
wallpaper
and blackness of
shadows all looked
the same

to blink was surrender
to blink was darkness
to blink was night
to blink was death
to blink was the tangling of hair
the brush of skin
the meeting of two - no -
to blink was

her

he bought out the
convenience store’s
supply of eye drops
and every day
he squeezed a bottle
into each eye
until shrivels ceased
wrinkles were smoothed
bags had no
introduction
until florescence
of street signs
hurt his eyes
the yellow of
wallpapers calmed them
the shadow of
satin lulled him
to sleepless nights
but he wouldn’t stop
flushing his eyes out
with tears made in labs 

These don’t work:
- giving into every sinful craving (chocolate, ice cream, Haribo, the usual clichéd culprits)
- moping

These REALLY don’t work (aka avoid at all costs):
- reading old letters 
- flipping through old pictures
- thinking too much (doubt and regret, rooted in time periods we can’t control)
- laying in bed into the p.m. hours 

These work for a little while:
- laughing harder
- laughing louder
- laughing more often

These work for a little longer:
- reading encouraging texts
- talking to encouraging people

These work (slowly but) surely (so I hear):
- praying (in doubt, in fear, in sadness, in pain, in joy, in desperation, in weakness)
- being filled by God
- trusting in the goodness of his plans

Michelle…come on. You know this. 

“I will be found by you,
declares the LORD.”

“I will be found by you.”

My favorite dwaenjang jjigae, a plate of galbi already cut into bite-sized pieces, rice, kimchi, kketnip, and ssamjang wait neatly for me on a tray after two hours in traffic.  ”Appa and I are watching a drama upstairs,” she says, “and there’s a few minutes left; why don’t you take it upstairs to the bed and watch it with us?”  I walk up the stairs with her, still a little wary of eating in her newly remodeled room. “Are you sure?” I keep asking, to which she keeps responding, “Yes.”  As I eat off the tray, on top of a cardboard box she set up, she watches me more than the television.  The kimchi is dark green, long and stringy, perfect for wrapping around hot rice.  ”Jjeejuhjoolkkah? (Shall I rip it for you?)” I tell her no, it’s ok, but still when I struggle to one-handedly tear a piece with my chopsticks, her fingers are there in a second.  She sets up a piece of kketnip on top of lettuce and repeatedly hands it to me - “Eat this every time you eat a piece of meat; that way you’ll eat your vegetables.”  In fact, she won’t leave me alone for the entire meal.  ”Do your knees hurt? Do you need more kimchi? Is that enough rice?  Have you been exercising?  You look healthy.  Make sure you eat three good meals a day and exercise.  Are you sure you knees don’t hurt sitting like that?”  Finally I finish, and together we take the tray and the leftover galbi (the plate was heaping) downstairs and do the dishes.  We make a couple cups of tea, red ginseng for her health and herbal tea for my tastebuds, and sit on the island stools as we wait for them to cool.

“So tell me,” she says.

I tell her.

“Let me see if I understand.”

She summarizes my 10 minute speech into one sentence.  And it is dead on.

She agrees with me, reassures me, listens to me.  We laugh, I cry, we laugh some more, and over the spicy aroma of cinnamon and ginseng she tells me old stories in that voice I love so much.

She was always the best at telling stories. The best at making dwaenjangjjigae. The best at making sure I get my vegetables.

Sometimes I forget she’s also my best friend.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans for welfare, and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, if you seek me with all your heart.

I will be found by you, 

declares the LORD